This post has been stewing in my mind for over a year. Since Mother’s Day is fast approaching, I thought this would be an ideal time to share about my mom and our relationship or lack thereof.
Yep, I am a selfish daughter. I was even more selfish growing up. I am the firstborn of two girls, just me and my sister. Growing up, my mom was a servant. She did everything for us girls, to a fault. My sister and I had unspoken expectations of my mother. We expected mom to make our food, clean our clothes, clean the bathroom, clean the house, and any other detestable housework or duties. I did have responsibility for cleaning my room, though. My sister and I were allowed to watch TV, play Super Mario Brothers on our Nintendo, eat for recreation, read our Babysitters Club, and Sweet Valley High books and watch more TV. What a life.
One day at recess in 4th or 5th grade I remember a girl named Stephanie talking about her mom. She called her mom her “best friend”. What?? Kids never said their best friends were their mothers!?! Almost thirty years later, and I still remember that. At the time I thought no way would I be best friends with my mom.
It was around the time that I heard Stephanie’s comment that we got the fateful news. My mom was 37 or 38 years old and found a lump in one of her breasts. I remember my parents talking about how it probably wasn’t cancer. My mom even worked for the American Cancer Society before getting married, but wasn’t good about doing self-checks. Well, the lump did turn out to be breast cancer, and she had it removed. It seemed that simple and easy. The cancer was gone quickly. She didn’t have any chemotherapy or anything at the time.
We moved on from that small cancer blip, and lived life as normal. The next year I entered middle school and started distancing myself from my parents, wanting to wear certain brands (remember Esprit, Generra, Guess jeans and Keds, anyone?), talking excessively on the phone, and hanging out with friends (I did actually have fairly good friends, though). It was all about me, me, me, and that was even before the teenage years rolled in.
To sum up my teenage years, they were busy with things like music, youth group (I had the kind of friends who invited me to church), working, sports like tennis and running, and squished in there my parents got a divorce. A good thing is that we lived just 4 streets away from my mom. I had to make an effort to see her, since I didn’t get the typical daily interaction you get when you live with your mom. I did see my mom at least weekly, but we just didn’t have that meaningful of interactions. We didn’t sit down and eat meals together. I was always rushing off here or there.
After graduating from high school and community college, I went off to a university about 6 hours away. I was in my early twenties then, and the summer before my last semester I went on a two-week study abroad to Guadalajara. God knew that that was long enough. The day I flew back to the United States from Mexico was also my birthday. Let’s just say it was my worst birthday ever. I wasn’t going home just yet. I was staying my with Aunt in Houston for a few days before heading to Seattle. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate flying, so I was already on edge. My sister called to wish me a happy birthday, and also greeted me with the awful news. Mom’s cancer was back, and back with a vengeance.
My mom had lost a lot of weight, and frankly, looked like a cancer patient. At that time they gave her six months to live. I remember seeing a beautiful outlook in North Everett overlooking Port Gardner Bay near Legion Park. I took her there and we watched the sunset. I remember her crying because she knew that would be her last time looking at it, and I couldn’t even talk I was so filled with emotion.
Knowing that our mother was approaching the finale of her life, my sister decided to transfer to my university instead of going halfway across the country, which was against her first desire. It was good that she stayed instate because my mother’s body weakened rapidly. The cancer had taken control and spread all over her body. I remember calling mom, hearing her voice so weak, and thinking ‘this is the end. We’ve got to go see her’.
My sister and I headed home that weekend to see mom for what would be the last time. She was bedridden at this point. It was so hard to see her in that condition. It was hard to look at her because the cancer had overtaken her, and she just didn’t look the same.
We went back to college that Monday, and the next Friday I got a call at 6:30am. No one calls a college student at 6:30am unless it’s bad news. My grandpa called to say that mom had passed into eternity. She was gone. It was the end. El fin. She didn’t even make it to five months. I remember my roommate Shannon coming and hugging me, as I was in a daze trying to process what just happened.
I then called my sister, breaking the dreadful news to her. Everyone deals with the death in different ways. I cried, but I had to have my life as normal as possible, diving back into school as soon as I could. Crying didn’t last long, though. Others question God.
I am in my mid-thirties now (I can still say that because I am 36, right?), and as I look back especially to my upper-teenage years, I think, ‘what a selfish daughter I was’. I regret that about my teenage years. I had virtually no interest in my family. I would always choose spending time with my friends over spending time with my family, and I have had to ask the Lord to forgive my selfish heart. And my mom seriously was the least selfish person I ever knew. EVER. I still have a lot to learn from her.
So why do I share all of this with you? Because I hope you will make the most of every opportunity, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil” Ephesians 5:15-16. If you still have your mother in your life, take time and make time to be with your mom, call her, tell your mom you love her, tell her you are thankful for all of the many sacrifices she has made for you. I can’t tell my mom. It’s too late. She knew I loved her, but I know I could have done more. Oh, we can all say that, right?? But I really could have done more, and I know that. I cared more about my life and my friends than to spend time with her.
I am sad she didn’t get to see me graduate from college or get married, although I am glad she at least met Jonathan (she called him a Ken-doll). When I was pregnant with my first, there were so many questions that I wanted to ask only her and couldn’t (I cried more about my mom’s death when I had my first child six years after her death then when she first died). She didn’t get to see her grandchildren. That’s really sad to me, but it is okay, and I am okay. It’s just if you have those opportunities, TAKE THEM! I can’t!
And there are takeaways for me, too. I still am a daughter, daughter to an earthly and Heavenly Father, and now, I am a mom to two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I have constant opportunities to practice selflessness with my family :). And God is Sovereign and in control, and I am thankful for the twenty-two years that God did give me with my mom.
Sonja, I realize this post was written a couple of years ago, but I am just seeing it now. Thanks for sharing this part of your story in written form. My mom passed away from cancer at the end of May when I was just about the age that you are now. Every year at this time the memories flood back. I share with you the sadness of not having our moms in our lives while we raised our children. I am thankful my mom at least met all of her grandchildren before she stepped into the presence of Jesus. I am also thankful for the mother you are to your sweet children. It’s wonderful to see you being blessed and used by God in your life. Love you!
Hi Sharon. You are welcome! Thank you so much for your kind words!! I do wish my mom would have known different things about our family, but I know she’d be happy and proud. Miss you, and much love to you as well!!
Hi Soyna,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom at 8 yrs old. It was devastation to me as a little girl. I still miss her. Someday I will see her again . It was the most profound single thing that ever happened to me. It made me appreciate people and being a mom myself of 4 kids. I stayed home with my kids. I wanted to be there for them. Life is so short. God is so good. He has been my strength. I would say to love your loved ones while you can.
Hi Cathy. Wow, you were so young to lose your mom. Praise the Lord for your appreciation of life as a result of your experience. You are so right. God is good! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this post. I was 27 when my Mom died from her 2nd round of breast cancer. She never knew who I married or saw any of her grandchildren. I know your words ministered to many in this unique situation. God bless you.
Hi Marcia. Thank you for sharing! It’s always nice to know I am not alone, and praise God for ministry opportunities! God bless you, as well!
I’ve sat at the park you talked about in North Everett, it’s a sweet place and I can picture you and your mom together on the bench. Blessings on you and your family! I have a wonderful family, too. Would you pray for mine and I’ll pray for yours. Hugs!
It’s a small world. You are sweet! I will pray for yours! Thank you for your prayers!!
Boy, does this sound familiar. My mom died when I was 24, before I married and had kids. Once I found my journals from that time, even through the three years she had cancer, and I barely mentioned her. I was good to her, visiting her when she was in hospital and all, but she sure wasn’t my priority. I do think that’s kind of natural for young people. Man, did I miss her when I had kids!! Thanks for writing this, but don’t beat yourself up too much!
Hi Susie, Thank you very much for sharing, and for your encouragement. It’s nice to know that I am not alone. Blessings!
Sonja, what a great post! I too can relate to all that you shared.. I was the selfish daughter who was consumed with myself. I would love the opportunity to share life now with my Mom as a Christian Mom, but I wouldn’t trade that for how God used my Mom’s life to bring me to Himself. I praise God that He is good all the time and that He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. YOU are an inspiration to me and I praise God that I have you as a sister on this journey with me. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Hello Jolie, God has used your mom’s death in amazing and incredible ways, and praise the Lord that you are His child. You are very sweet, and I am thankful to share the journey with you!
I do believe these lessons have made Sonja a better mother, and I am thankful for that. Thank YOU, Wife (yes, I call her that) for committing to love our children enough to encourage their awareness of others. I am thankful that you’re investing in them in hard ways now that will ensure your “BFF” status in coming years. Maybe you’ll be able to relate to Stephanie and her mom after all…but from the other side. 🙂
Thank you, Jonathan, for your kind words.
Ah Sonja, this just breaks my heart. I am so so sorry your mom wasn’t able to be there for you and your new babies. I can’t imagine that loss. I’m sending you a huge hug. I know it doesn’t help, but I was (and fear I still am!) just as selfish. I am storing your words in my heart and will think again, next time I am near my mom and feeling judgemental and…like the brat I am. Sending extra prayers for blessings for you and your family this mother’s day. Thank you for this post.
Hi Raechelle, You are sweet. Thank you for your prayers and transparency, too. May we all have stronger and more meaningful relationships. Blessings to you this Mother’s Day.
Lovely post! I enjoyed it. All children are selfish, it is their nature, but when something like that happens it does make us realize how selfish we truly are and that makes us sad. As a mother to a teenager myself their selfishness can be so frustrating, but without that selfish behavior, I don’t know that they would leave the nest, which as sad as we are to think about it, really needs to happen! Give yourself a big hug and impart all your mom’s lessons to your children. God loves you and He knows all about it. Sounds like you could use a hug 🙂 Sorry about my rambling. Your post really touched me! Thank you.
Hi April, Thank you for your encouragement, and for sharing. God bless you and your family!
I think most people in their teen years are all caught up in themselves. You made it right when it counted, while she was still here. Thank you for this.
Hi Joyce, Yes, I think many in their teen years are into themselves. If only we could inject wisdom into teens (and really people of all ages) to think beyond themselves. I still need it; at least we can ask God for wisdom: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5, ESV). You are welcome, and thank you for your response.
I can relate so much to your story….I was 21 when my Mom died…….I, too, was so selfish. Thank you so much for sharing. A good reminder to me..
Blessings
Hello Brenda, Thank you for sharing, too, and blessings, Sonja
Thank you for taking the time to write this and open your heart. 🙂
Hi Cynthia, You are welcome. I am still a bit raw from putting it all together and thinking through it, but it helps me put life into perspective. Blessings, and thank you for your comment.